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James Watkins

I have in my right hand, direct from a layover at O’Hell International Airport in Chicago, “Top five silly things flight attendants say.” (It’s summer, and I’m too lazy to write ten!)

5. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to make your flight more enjoyable (How ’bout giving me the whole can of soda? How ’bout an in-flight magazine that doesn’t have the crossword puzzle half done? How ’bout spraying some air-freshener in the lavatory? How about . . . Oh, that’s right; it’s just part of the script.)

4. To fasten your seat belt, insert the flat metal tab into the buckle, then . . . (If a passenger doesn’t know how to use a seatbelt, he or she probably shouldn’t be out unattended.)

3. In case of the loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the overhead panel. Put the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. (I’m sorry, but if a gaping hole opens in the cabin, I don’t think I’m going to be breathing “normally.”)

2. Please return your seat to the upright position. (But I’m so enjoying the luxurious, relaxing half-inch of “reclining.”)

1. In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device. (If I’m hurtling toward the ocean at 500 mph, I’m afraid I’m going to use my seat cushion for something other than a floatation device.)

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